However, loneliness is a very real challenge for managers. It’s something we hear all the time at tyllr - and it’s quite the topic of conversation on Reddit too:
“What really caught me off guard was how isolating it can feel. You’re not one of the team anymore but you’re also not really part of the exec circle either. You’re stuck in this weird middle ground where you know things you can’t share, you hear complaints you can’t fully solve and sometimes you just absorb the stress so your team doesn’t have to.”
This quote really gets to the heart of why isolation is an issue for managers. Loneliness can be especially deeply felt when you’re new to the role - but is something that a lot of leaders struggle with at different stages of their career.
When you lead a team, the relationship you have with your colleagues is inevitably quite different to that of an individual contributor. Part of this is down to an unavoidable power dynamic - managers make or input into lots of decisions that directly impact team members' working life in meaningful ways.
This means that there is naturally more scrutiny around your behaviour and your team members may interpret what you say and do differently, particularly around performance review and pay season, or during difficult periods. This feeling of being scrutinised can be tremendously isolating.
Perhaps even more difficult to process is the one-sided-ness of your relationships with those you work most closely with. Whereas as an individual contributor you might feel free to vent with co-workers, as a manager ‘it’s your job to care about how others feel but nobody’s job to care about how you feel’, as another redditor puts it.
On top of all of this, in a management role, it can also be the case that you’re accountable to more people - but your relationships with them might be shallower, more transactional or fraught with political tension. Add a healthy dose of ambiguity about who, exactly, you should go to for help and advice and it’s easy to see why loneliness is a common management challenge.
The impact of that feeling of isolation, according to Former U.S. Surgeon General and author of a book around loneliness, Dr Vivek Murthy, can be pretty devastating:
“At work, loneliness reduces task performance, limits creativity, and impairs other aspects of executive function such as reasoning and decision making.”
So what can managers do to mitigate against the effects of loneliness?
As outlined above, there can be many reasons why you can end up feeling isolated within a management role.
It’s worth taking the time to unpick some of your underlying anxieties. Is it isolation from social situations that’s hitting you hardest? Or is the pressure coming from feeling you need to know all the answers? Once you identify the root cause of your loneliness, you’ll be able to think creatively about how to address it.
It’s important to remind yourself that you don’t have to navigate management alone.
Investigate whether your organisation has a mentorship scheme or offers buddies for new managers - and if not, suggest it! Having someone who can relate to what you’re going through and offer practical advice is invaluable.
Another avenue for support is coaching, which can often be most impactful when you’re experiencing big transitions within your career or life more broadly. Coaching offers an empowering, non-judgemental space to grow and develop - so if it’s a benefit offered by your workplace, it’s worth exploring as an avenue for support.
Building a broader community with people in similar roles can also be incredibly helpful for feeling less alone. Having a space to go to when you’re dealing with brand new situations prevents overthinking and reduces anxiety. tyllr offers lots of opportunities to connect with fellow managers, from our first time manager whatsapp group, to free learning sessions with experts. Head to our LinkedIn for the latest.
It may sound obvious, but if you’re not getting social connection at work - it’s important to find it elsewhere. Whether through volunteering, joining a sports club or just prioritising seeing friends in the evening - look for opportunities to take your manager hat off and top up your social battery.
As much as isolation can come from weaker social ties at work, it can also come from being overwhelmed and taking on your team’s problems as your own.
If you identify with this, make sure you’re speaking to your People/HR team for support and look at upskilling around setting boundaries. Cliche’s like ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ and ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’ are cliche’s for a reason - there’s a fundamental truth there. In order to be there for your team through challenging times, you need to be well-resourced yourself.
Challenging upwards can be nerve-wracking and delicate - but it’s a vital skill for any people leader. Good leaders are used to hearing new perspectives and questioning their own biases. Even if your challenge doesn’t fully land, there’s strength in staying true to your values and advocating for your team.
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