Feeback Loops
Shift the pattern, not just the moment.
Shift the pattern, not just the moment.
Ever feel like you’re having the same frustrating interaction over and over? That’s not just bad luck - it’s a feedback loop in action.
Feedback loops are circular cause-and-effect patterns. In relationships, they show up when each person’s reaction fuels the other’s -keeping you both stuck.
This tool helps you see the loop, not just the symptoms -so you can intervene differently and shift the system, not just the surface.
When’s the best time to use this tool?
▪️ You’re stuck in recurring tension with someone
▪️ A conversation keeps going off the rails
▪️ You want to understand a deeper dynamic
▪️ You’re ready to try something different
How to use:
What’s the recurring pattern? Map the sequence of actions, reactions, and assumptions.
Where is one person’s behaviour reinforcing the other’s? Look for cycles:
“He withdraws → I push → He shuts down more → I get louder...”
Reinforcing loop: Things escalate or spiral (e.g. mutual defensiveness)
Balancing loop: One person compensates to maintain equilibrium (e.g. overfunctioning vs underfunctioning)
Break the cycle by changing your usual response. It only takes one altered input to disrupt the loop.
Example:
“You don’t listen.” → “You’re always criticising me.”
→ Both parties feel unheard → Both defend harder → Loop repeats.
Pause. Reflect. Respond differently:
“I notice we’re both feeling misunderstood. Can we try slowing down?”
Pro tips:
▪️ Start with curiosity, not blame
▪️ Map loops visually for clarity
▪️ Change one input and observe what shifts
Why this works:
Feedback loops show us that stuck-ness is rarely one-sided.
When you shift from blame to pattern, you unlock compassion, choice, and the power to change the dance.
Stuck relationships are often stuck patterns. When you spot the loop - not just the behaviour - you can change the dynamic by shifting your own response.
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