When I think about conflict in the workplace, the image that springs to mind is quite specific.
Hyper masculine. Shouty. Maybe a little bit sweary. Certainly uncomfortable.
I suspect I’m far from alone here. Yet if I think about some of my peak work moments they involve conflict of a different flavour. Not going into battle, just working things through with a colleague who has an alternative perspective to offer, differing needs or values.
That perception gap, between what conflict can look like at the extreme end of the spectrum and the exciting, creative experience it has the potential to be is what we’ll be digging into today. I’ll be offering a series of reframes and practical tips to help anyone who instinctually avoids conflict to engage safely and respectfully.
Conflict avoidance is first and foremost a behavioural pattern where individuals consciously or unconsciously refrain from getting involved in disagreements.
There are many ways that avoidant behaviour can show up - from ‘smoothing’, which involves agreeing with another’s perspective to maintain harmony even if it’s against your better judgement, to more subtle tactics like changing the subject.
As social beings, we humans long for belonging, so initiating conflict or even just engaging with it can feel risky. We might fear disrupting a relationship we really value, or simply not want to hurt others feelings.
How we respond to conflict is also often deeply rooted in our upbringing and past experiences. If no-one role modelled what good conflict looked like for you, then it’s understandable you might have fallen into a pattern of avoiding it at all costs.
On the surface, conflict avoidance might seem like a simple preference for peace. However, in the long term, it can be damaging on a number of levels.
Leaving issues unresolved can result in simmering tensions, lower trust and reduced psychological safety. Team members with a leader that demonstrates conflict avoidant behaviour may simply stop raising challenging issues because they don’t have confidence that they’ll be addressed.
On an individual level, failing to advocate for your needs or act in line with your values can result in resentment, stress and cognitive dissonance. It can also mean you’re denying yourself valuable opportunities to grow and expose yourself to different ideas.
Now that we've got a good grasp of conflict avoidance as a concept and explored the hidden cost of keeping calm and carrying on, we’ll offer a few fresh ways to look at conflict.
A lot of tension arises from misunderstanding. So a powerful way to rethink your relationship with conflict involves treating it as an exercise in curiosity.
When things get heated, our amygdala, the brain's ‘panic button’ tends to flood us with adrenaline and create very physical symptoms. It’s at this point when those who are conflict avoidant tend to seek a way out of the conversation.
If you recognise your nervous system reacting in this way, it’s important to remember that you can override the panic button. Try resetting by taking a breath, and focus on asking open questions which will genuinely help you better understand your teammates perspective. Whilst you might not align completely, it’s usually possible to find some common ground.
If a resolution doesn’t feel within reach in the moment, then it’s completely fine to ask for some time to process. However, we encourage you to commit to revisiting the conversation at a later date. In the meantime, you’ll have space to reflect on what a good outcome looks like for you and identify where your picture of the situation could be incomplete.
One of the other core drivers of conflict is different communication styles. We all receive and process information in our own way. We also prioritise different things when making decisions, whether consciously or not.
Talking about these differences explicitly can help you understand your colleagues better and nip any interpersonal friction in the bud.
Simple questions like ‘what’s important to you as we consider our options here?’ can go a long way to helping you put yourself in others shoes and share your own priorities in return.
It’s well established that teams who feel able to challenge, question and bring fresh ideas and divergent perspectives perform better.
Making a habit of inviting different views in your team meetings and 1:1’s fosters collaboration and helps normalise disagreement, for you and everyone around you.
Experiment with prompts like:
When you first start integrating this approach, there might be a few awkward silences. But over time and with a bit of encouragement to ‘yes, and’ each other's ideas, your team will see that consensus, whilst comfortable, is fairly limiting.
When we avoid conflict, we’re taking a gamble with losing odds. Problems rarely just go away on their own. In fact, delaying difficult decisions often ratchets up the stakes. Learning how to handle conflict with grace is no mean feat. But it is an essential skill for managers and leaders to build. We hope we’ve offered you some strategies to experiment with to help reduce your fear of conflict for good.
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