Feedback repellers: what to do when nothing is getting through

Hannah Keal 3 min

We’ve all been there. You psych yourself up. You think carefully about how to deliver your message. You have the courageous conversation you need to have. But it lands like a lead balloon.

Maybe you get a full point by point takedown, a self-deprecating deflection or a strong emotional reaction. But regardless, one thing is clear. The feedback is not getting through.

There are many reasons why feedback might get a repeller response. Common pitfalls include lack of clarity, sitting on feedback for too long, or assuming your team members' intention.

But even when your delivery is spot on, feedback can still be tough to swallow. In this article, we’ll explore ways to combat feedback resistance and land your message calmly and clearly.

Do: individualise your approach

We all have different feedback preferences. If you’ve got a feedback repeller on your team, it's helpful to have an explicit conversation to uncover what they are. Does your team member prefer to use a specific forum like 1:1’s or would they rather hear feedback as soon as possible? Would they prefer to receive feedback in writing or talk it out?

It’s also important to consider factors outside of your team members control. For example, people with ADHD often experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria or RSD. This means they’re more likely to deal with overwhelming feelings of worthlessness and distress when faced with tough feedback. You might therefore need to take extra care understanding their needs and talking about how they’ve managed their RSD in the past.

Receiving feedback when you’re not in a great place mentally is also harder, as your team members may internalise it as confirming their worst fears about themselves. If you know a team member has a history of poor mental health, it’s worth really emphasising that you’re giving them feedback because you want to see them succeed and thrive.

Whilst you might not always have all of this context, opening up a conversation about preferences demonstrates your willingness to flex your approach, creating space for your team members to share more about what works for them.

Do: Lead with curiosity

When you’ve taken the time to really think through what you want to say, it can be tempting to launch right into it.

However, asking questions first is a smarter approach. Not only does it demonstrate that you care about your team members perspective, it also allows you to check their self-awareness so that you can ‘fill in the blanks’ or offer a different view as appropriate.

Being curious also means listening when someone pushes back. It’s no coincidence that conversations around feedback are becoming more adversarial at a time when teams are often running very lean. The ‘I’m doing the best with what I have’ response might be frustrating, but it’s important to remember that it’s your job as a manager to help your team members work through concerns about workload and prioritisation.

Do: make it worth their time

Framing feedback around your team members' specific goals and aspirations is also a surefire strategy to reduce the likelihood of a repeller reaction.

By clearly stating your why and offering advice to help your team members progress, you’re demonstrating that you have their back.

If you’re struggling to find a clear link between your team members aspirations and their performance gaps, don’t forget to tap into tools like competency frameworks and job specs, which are much requested by managers and team members alike, but frequently underutilised.

Do: reflect on what you’re bringing to the table

Often when I coach managers who have experienced repeller reactions in the past, there’s increased anxiety around delivering feedback. Whilst this is completely natural, it can lead to putting off giving feedback or be misread as a lack of conviction in the message.

If you find yourself getting nervous around giving feedback, it’s important that you don’t just plan what you’re going to say but also think about how you’re showing up to say it.

Do: reflect on what you’re bringing to the table

You might find it helpful to do some reflection on how giving feedback to this person has become so fraught. Are you afraid of damaging an otherwise friendly relationship? Can you think of a time when giving feedback went better? What did you do differently?

Do: revisit and reinforce

Giving feedback is often seen as a ‘one and done’ conversation. In fact, any behaviour change takes time. At the end of any feedback conversation, it’s important to get agreement on a way forward and then check in to see how things are going.

If you get an initial reaction of defensiveness, looping back can also be a helpful way to have a more cool-headed conversation. Using a phrase like ‘I noticed a bit of defensiveness when we spoke about X the other day’, or ‘I noticed you were quite self-deprecating when we spoke the other day about X’ can be a good, non-judgemental way to gently highlight a potential blind spot and broaden the conversation around next steps.

Finally, make sure you take the time to recognise your team member’s progress and give credit where credit is due.

Bringing it all together

Feedback has the potential to provoke strong reactions in all of us, thanks to our brain's overly sensitive threat response system. For this reason, it’s important to try not to take a feedback repeller reaction personally. Instead, by taking the time to really understand your team members feedback preferences and considering your framing, you can reduce the likelihood of triggering a fight, flight or freeze response and most importantly, make sure your feedback actually lands.

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