Bringing it all together
Being vulnerable can be powerful. It opens up space for our shared humanity, it helps us take big swings and feel genuinely connected to those around us. However, picking your moments and picking your people is crucial.
Our old model of leadership is dead. As much as the silicon valley elite bemoan it, the hyper masculine, command and control style is no longer, if you’ll pardon the pun, dominant, in most modern workplaces.
Whilst it’s an unreservedly good thing that more flexible and inclusive models of leadership continue to emerge, a lot of managers I work with are still figuring out what it looks like to show up authentically in this new world.
One of the specific questions I’ve been hearing a lot recently is ‘how vulnerable is too vulnerable?’. So that’s what we’ll be exploring today: how to show up in a way that’s real, without crossing important boundaries.
Brene Brown, who has made it part of her life’s work to champion vulnerability, describes it as a mix of uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure, essential for building trust, making courageous decisions and fostering psychological safety.
As a person who describes my leadership style as ‘leading with love’, I can’t help but wear my heart proudly pinned to my sleeve. I’ve felt the benefits of opening up in the depths of the relationships I’m able to form at work and how rich, non-transactional and mutually respectful they are. I’ve also learnt that trying to mask my emotions is a losing game, making me a less good colleague, partner and friend.
If you spend too much time talking about your own experience in a 1:1, even if it feels relevant, your team member might walk away feeling misunderstood. If every emotion you feel is visible to your team, then it could be a source of distraction and read as an inability to self-regulate. It would also be naive to think, in a society where many types of biases remain deeply rooted, that sharing is equally safe for everyone.
Vulnerability is deeply personal. So whilst there’s no clear bright line that illustrates how far is too far, we’ve compiled a list of practical pointers to help you think through how you’d like to show up and share with your team.
The most impactful mentorship rarely comes from polished success stories. Instead, the best nuggets are in the post mortems, the downloads of what went wrong and the learnings you extracted.
This type of vulnerability is a powerful way for you to share advice with your team and help them avoid common pitfalls. Framing feedback as ‘advice’ often makes it easier for people to digest, both because human beings simply love a yarn and because of the way it positions you and the other person as equals who are both capable of growth.
Admitting that you’ve made mistakes will also create space for others to do the same, encouraging a culture where your team members focus on experimentation and learning rather than avoiding risk.
Emotional literacy is the ability to understand and articulate what you’re feeling. It goes hand in hand with emotional regulation: the ability to think through and have a degree of control over your feelings rather than being overwhelmed by them.
In my opinion, these two skills are essential for leaders, supporting good decision making and self-awareness.
One way of practicing these skills and role modelling vulnerability is through simply admitting to yourself and your team when you’re low on juice. Try having a phrase like the following in your back pocket:
‘I want to be fully present for this conversation, but I’m not in the right headspace right now - can I come back to you?’.
By doing so, you’re honouring your own needs and creating permission for your team to show up as human beings who aren’t 100% all of the time, without having to share everything going on.
As leaders, we aren’t immune to personal challenges, nor should we be expected to be.
However, I often observe that managers have a tendency to try and grit their teeth and power through, when they would encourage their team to do something very different.
In these situations, I often tell them that they can share as much or as little of their personal circumstances as they want to, but that sharing what they need is non-negotiable.
For example:
‘I’ll be taking some compassionate leave over the next few days. During this time, I won’t be reachable. I’ve spoken to a few of you already about key meetings and taken some 1:1’s out of the diary - but if you need anything at all, you can reach out to [X]. I’ll be returning to work next week, but I might need to start a bit later and will be sticking to essential meetings only to manage my energy. I’m really grateful for your support during this time.’
Sharing a message like this sets a clear boundary and doesn’t leave your team confused and wondering what’s going on. It allows your direct reports to step up and pick up what they need to and creates social permission for them to take similar types of leave when they need it.
Depending on how you’re feeling, you might want to share more details of what’s happened, what’s helped you during this time, or more detail around your communication preferences and whether you’re happy for people to check in with you. But at the very least, your team will know that you showing up differently isn’t about them.
In modern workplaces, it’s very common for the personal and professional to be relatively integrated. However, when you’re a leader of people, it’s important to think carefully about maintaining boundaries. If you’ve recently transitioned from a peer to a manager of some of your colleagues - or even if you’ve been leading for a while - this can feel isolating. You don’t have access to the same social support or ability to vent to your team when you have a bad day.
However, in the long run, involving the team in your work or personal drama is not a good look. As a manager, you play a pastoral role as well as setting clear expectations, managing performance and coaching your team. When you overshare, it can discourage others from opening up where they should for fear of over-burdening you. You may also face negative, rather than affirming reactions to your disclosure or suffer from the dreaded ‘vulnerability hangover’.
All in all, it’s healthier to rely on support outside of your team.
Sometimes, something someone says in a 1:1 can really hit a nerve. As human beings, we want to experience that moment of connection that comes from saying ‘yes! I’ve been there too!’. The trouble is… we haven’t.
We can experience the exact same set of circumstances completely differently from the person next to us, based on our unique view on the world. Jumping in can take the conversation in a completely different direction, interrupt an important disclosure or simply leave the person you’re speaking to feeling unheard. Instead, it’s important to listen first, then check in to ask for permission before sharing your own experience.
Being vulnerable can be powerful. It opens up space for our shared humanity, it helps us take big swings and feel genuinely connected to those around us. However, picking your moments and picking your people is crucial.
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